I found myself in bed, listening to the sound of my alarm. Its incessant beeping meant hours had passed without me ever having recollection of that time. Sometimes, I would remember a fragment of a dream only to have it wisp away as I tried to hold onto it.
I sat up and saw my alarm read 7:30. Ack! I don’t want to go to school!
I looked at my airplane wallpaper. I wanted to be a pilot. I wanted to fly and soar through the skies. What I didn’t want was to go to school. School was boring.
My mom walked through the door. “Come on! You’re going to be late!”
“I don’t feel so good, mommy.”
She ran over to my bed. I thought she would feel my forehead. I wanted her to believe me. I didn’t want to go to school.
She grabbed my hand and pulled me out of bed. “No! You have to go to school. Don’t lie to me, Hank!”
“No! Mommy! I don’t wanna!”
“You have to go to school! It’s good for you! What kind of mother would I be if I let you stay home because you wanted to stay home?”
She dragged me to my closet and began to dress me.
I didn’t scream. I pouted. I didn’t want to go to school.
She dressed me in a white dress shirt, a black tie, and a sweater vest. It was hot and stuffy. I didn’t like it. I looked in the mirror, and I saw my eyes. I didn’t quite understand what I saw, but it wasn’t right.
“Come on!” She walked out the door.
I pouted and followed after her.
~
I descended the stairs and saw my mother walking out the front door. She looked at me, then closed the door behind her.
I entered the kitchen and looked at the dark room. Like all mornings, the kitchen and the dining room were dark. The sink was spotless – no dishes – no drops of water – unused. I opened the refrigerator and looked into its half empty confines. Anything in the refrigerator was mine. Neither of my parents were home to cook. They usually brought food home or ate out. I poured myself a bowl of cereal and cut fresh strawberries to put into it. I sat at the table and ate silently in the dark. I finished eating and placed the bowl into the sink.
Soon, I would take the bus to my new school – it was the first day of high school. I didn’t think much of it. Just another day.
I walked toward the bathroom to brush my teeth.
~
I stared into the mirror and began to sob. I held his toque in one hand and struck the wall with the other. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening.
“Hank. Are you alright?” My mother’s voice sounded from outside the bathroom.
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. No words would come out. The only sound choked out was gasps of air swallowed by tears. I couldn’t even think. So many memories came back that they fragmented and overlapped. There echoed times I wanted to return to, times that I had forgotten, and times that never were. It was as if time stopped. I wished it did.
“If you’re not feeling well, you don’t have to go to school tomorrow.”
Donny died an hour ago, and that’s all she had to say.
I looked up in the mirror, and I understood what I saw in my eyes all those years ago.
Text and Images © Jonathan Lee
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